Christina Aguilera is the Sexiest Woman on Earth

by Valjina


"Excuse me, miss, you seem to be coming undone."

Yes, the basic theme of my posts to make some outrageous categorical statement that will outrage most of the 4 or 5 people who read this and begin an argument between said readers that uses no objective facts, but is based purely on illogical subjective thoughts that usually cause at least one person to write, "YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON." I'm fine with that. As you see above, I've done it again. So let it begin.

I was driving home to Michigan from Massachusetts a few weeks ago, a 10-hour drive that requires me to pass through the southern most part of the Great White North, Canada. I've done this drive many times, and it has consistently unnerved me. But yesterday, I finally figured out why with the help of Christina Aguilera. Canada is a land of contradictions. Let me explain why this is so and why this makes Christina the Sexiest Woman on Earth.

Since 9/11 it has become increasingly difficult to enter the United States. Inversely so, I've found it easier to enter Canada. In June of 2001, I got a DUI. When I tried to enter Canada I was told that I was not allowed in because of said DUI. I had to by a temporary resident permit, which cost $300, that allowed me to cross the border. This strange, because there were no restrictions once I handed $300 cash to the Canadian government. If you ask me, this is just a not-so-elaborate scheme to make some dough on the side. Since the towers fell, my conversations with border agents have gone something like this:

Agent: Hello

Me: Hello

Agent: Citizenship?

Me: U.S.

Agent: Are you a terrorist?

Me: No.

Agent: OK. Go ahead, welcome to Canada.

Me: Thanks, hoser!

In many respects, Canada is a much more advanced nation than the United States. They have universal health care; have a much lower violent crime rate despite the fact that a higher percentage of Canadians own guns; have seemed to eliminate the need for a standing military despite the fact they have the largest oil reserves and sources of lumber in the world; they sell a greater variety of much more fuel-efficient cars; they seem to be able plow away snow before it is able to accumulate on the roads, and they call gas petrol. Oh yeah, and they speak a second language, albeit it is French.

But a drive through Canada at night seems give quite the opposite impression. First of all, it is fucking dark in Canada. Electricity and the light that comes with it seems to be scarce, at least along the highways. I know you're thinking, Hey you idiot, barely any people live in Canada, thus no lights. You're right, there are less people in Canada, approximate 269,738,900 less than the United States. But the route I took passed through Niagara Falls, Ontario (pop. 82,181), Hamilton (pop. 504.559), London (pop. 352,395), and Sarnia (pop. 71,419). The highway pretty much passed through the center of these cities and yet I felt like I needed to keep my brights on the entire time. In addition, it appeared as if the reflective coating on the road signs had worn off or had been nonexistent in the first place.

But that was only the beginning. My trip home requires a four drive through Canada. So at the very least I need one bathroom break. Welcome to Canadian rest stops. The good part is that the bathrooms are always clean. The bad part is that it's not always apparent where the bathroom is. Most times it's hidden the darkest corner of the given truck stop you've decided to stop at. Once again a lack of electricity is a problem. But that brings us to the truck stops. There are a lot of them. Which is probably good for truck drivers, but terrible for me. I'm the type of long distance driver that freaks out that I won't make it to the next rest stop/gas station, so I end up stopping at every single one. This ends up being ridiculous in many ways. Not only does it end up prolonging my drive by at least an hour, but I embarrassingly stand at the urinal without peeing because I just went 15 minutes earlier.

But lets get to the point. Canada exudes the past. And what I mean by that is that no matter how old you are, you always feel that Canada is 10 years behind. That is why I bought a Christina Aguilera album, because 10 years ago I thought she was the hottest thing on Earth. The funny thing is that this time I was right.

So I bought Christina's newest album, Back to Basics at the next truck stop. I'm not going to do a complete review of the entire album, but I will say this: I LOVED IT! Christina is easily the most talented singer of the current generation and maybe even of the generation before her, including Whitney Houston and Celine Dion (and I hate saying that Celine Dion is a good singer mostly because I hate Celine Dion, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is Canadian, but mostly due to the fact of Titanic and the weird convulsions she has when she sings). But let me tell you exactly why Christina is the Sexiest Woman on Earth.

On her album she has a song entitled, "Nasty Naughty Boy." This song is a sonic BlowJ. Musically, but even more lyrically, Christina commences to suck the shit out of your cock-a-doodle and you begin to wonder why you spent all that money on Internet porn when all you had to do was buy (or download for free) Christina's latest album. You remember Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love?" Well imagine that sort of lyricality and sexual innuendo from the fine looking lady above.

That's all I have to say about that. Listen to the song, look at the picture above and make your own decision. But I stand by mine. Christina Aguilera is the Sexiest Woman on Earth.